Why I went mad

Much in the spirit of zero f@cks, since I took 2 months off work after the police unceremoniously told me that they would not bother investigate an assault because essentially they can’t prove what I did and didn’t do willingly.

So I might as well pop this on the interweb.

I’ll leave out surnames as they sods had my sanity; they’ll not have my wallet for defamation.

On either 11th or 18th November 2011 (not quite sure which) I lost my mind because I was drugged, interrogated and sexually assaulted.

It was an innocuous enough Friday night. I’d finished worked at Debenhams for the evening, as I’d been working there as a Christmas temp on a beauty counter.

I can’t remember the exact order of things but I met my then boyfriend Lee, (he wasn’t really a boyfriend in the emotional sense, just in the physically there sense) and he had the fantabulous idea to drop acid. We ended up over his (and sort of my) mates house Abdel who had a constant party going on as he was a drug dealer.

Acid was had (I had 1 tab in total, two halves), pizza was ordered and I’m telling you after 20 minutes of giggling like a moron I was really enjoying myself. I could see henna patterns in the pizza grease, when I ate a slice I was the pizza as well as the eater – I could feel and totally embody the bread and cheese burst beneath my teeth.

I had what I assumed to be a toke on a spliff (probably was) from a mutual friend Sam, and then yes, things started to go a little for me. I did panic a little – I couldn’t speak as I had forgotten how. This is a bad trip.

Abdel and Lee forced me to drink something – sugar water they said but I knew from the way I lost consciousness that it was probably laced with GHB, the date rape drug. It’s called ‘going under’ and that is exactly what it feels like, you lose control of your body and the world goes dark. The last thing I remember clearly was someone entering through the front door.

What followed next I luckily can’t remember in it’s entirety – I’m fairly certain I was probably kept under with GHB or ketamin or similar.

Here’s what I do remember:

Abdel saying “Stupid bitch, telling me my business.” This is in reference to a correction I made. He sold MCAT, or ‘miaow miaow’ and referred to it as ‘methadone’. Being the helpful friend I had corrected him, as methadone is for weaning off heroin, whereas mephedrone (along with a couple of other similarly named and similarly structured chemical compounds) was MCAT. Never correct drug dealers, just smile and nod at their ignorance or avoid them completely.

I remember Chanelle being there. Chanelle was a dealer and a prostitute (I’d been strapped for cash and had the intention of whoring myself to pay off my debts so I could commit suicide guilt-free, but found the actual execution difficult. I’m not built to be a prostitute, it is what it is…) and I remember her rolling a cigarette or a joint, laughing and muttering “Stupid bitch.”

I was on the floor on my side unable to move, barely conscious, vision blurry. I think my feet were bound. Lizzi (a girl I had been friends with, but distanced myself from after she gave a previous boyfriend head while he was ketted – as you can see rape culture abound here, and also a rape victim herself) laughed at me, “Urgh, look at it, it’s disgusting.”

I thought I was underground. The ground was hard, cold.

Claire (also a prostitute) was being held back as she cried and begged for them to stop.

I remember Abdel feeding me stuff, perhaps more acid, I had no clue what was going on. I remember a straw up my nose and being forced to inhale some sort of white powder. I was barely conscious.

I was interrogated by someone I believed to be a personal trainer/ drug dealer called Leon, an ex-lover who had made me the other woman then was surprised when, horrified I told and apologised to his girlfriend that I’d been sleeping with him. He asked me some questions about being raped previously. Some other stuff. I babbled bullshit at him. I was coherent enough at that point to know I was giving him sweet F A.

I remember being punched in the face by a blonde girl, “That’s for stealing my boyfriend, bitch.” I fell backwards. I hit the floor. Everything melds together I can’t put a timeline on this.

I remember coming to in a taxi, I became conscious that I was screaming. I couldn’t stop screaming. Lee had taken me back to my flat. “They took something from me, they took something from me.” I was literally climbing the walls, the acid was distorting my vision, everything was melting, I’d just been through something horrific and I couldn’t remember the names of the people in the pictures on my wall. I tried to call my Mum – Lee snatched my phone out of my hand. I think I screamed myself to sleep.

I know I was violated because I had anal leakage for a few days after. At first I didn’t remember. My mind blocked it out. Then I started feeling like a shadow of myself. Dread came over me. They convinced me it was all in my head. That is was all a bad trip. That they were my friends. I thought I’d gone insane.

I know what was the acid. I saw the universe expand and collapse.

It took me four years to work up the courage to go the police. West Yorkshire police, you suck balls.

 

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