Hacked! (a cautionary tale…)

I’ve known for some time now that I’ve been hacked.

It’s exhausting. I don’t have the know-how to stop it. I’ve put up the best defence I can electronically, now here’s appealing to the possible reason why…

I think someone has used photos of me and catfished people. Being a young woman engaging in sexual relationships in the digital age, I have of course sent the odd dirty picture. To people I’m already sleeping with.

Ladies, this is a cautionary tale to you – men are desperate sometimes and lord know what they’re doing with those things. Take Polaroids.

So, another way I’ve been sexually violated, by people I thought I could trust (but by no means the worst way.)

 

Night all!

Yoga & sexuality

I’ve found an obstacle in my dedication to yoga is it is often over-sexualised.

This in itself is a paradox, because at our physical core we are sexual beings. Our sexuality is what powers us through life – it is from that drive to reproduce that we aspire to all other things in human society. The truth is we don’t all need to reproduce. Our survival as a species is guaranteed,  bar our own self-destructive stupidity. 

Yoga, while at its physical core is driven by sexuality, is transcendent. It is for remembering what you were before you were this sack of (albeit beautiful) meat and bones. It is for rediscovering your higher self, and you can harness that for a more fulfilling life while you keep to this body.

One vs many

The voice of many is always more powerful. 

That’s why someone assaulted or victimised by many people like myself struggle. I wasn’t believed by the people around me, and the police made it pretty clear that I was unreliable – it’s one woman against a bunch of (albeit scummy) people.

But I’ve got a message for my attackers:

Keep doing what you do. Your names are already in the system.

and for their victims:

Have courage. It may not seem it, but you are not alone.

How do I know it could get better? How many people get sent down years later after reports build. After a few trickle in the rest start to fall in line like dominos.

Total theft

I have had a lot of things stolen from me in my time,  and it has left me with this fear that things important to me would be taken from me. 

But thieves only take the good, don’t they? If you really want to take something from me, you need to stop playing chicken and have a go at the bad.

So here’s a theives guide to what to take next:

  • Have friends stab you in the back, gossip about you repeatedly
  • Be made to be the other man/woman
  • stay awake for a week, have an episode
  • get raped
  • ….more than once
  • make sure the police do sweet F A about it.
  • Have a hernia, leave it until it’s strangulated. Be sure you are in fear for your life, but make sure your are around people who give zero f@cks.
  • Have a couple of early miscarriages
  • cutting used to relieve the anger and misery I felt, once upon a time. Give it a go.
  • hate what you see in the mirror. Fantasize about hacking parts of your flesh off.
  • have your rib broken (albeit accidently) by the one you love. And have them totally not give a shit.
  • be hacked
  • stalked
  • victimised

There’s way more here. I suggest to start with these and make a bingo sheet. 

Happy emulating!

I scream, you scream, we all scream

You didn’t really think

that you could break me into pieces

and build me back up

I’d be victorious,  fear conquered? 

That I’d be your creature? 

That I’d be yours? 

did you think I forgot?

That you could trigger anything more

than a need for a run

stop drop and vinyasa

that I hadn’t learnt to hide?

I want to go, I want to get gone.

Copyright 2016 J N Ali

Sleepyhead

I’ve never slept so much in my life

Ten til seven or eight – each night

that’s a full ten hours

But perhaps I need respite

After a few years of sleeping less

If at all, now my body can finally

Rest its weary bones

And catch up on counting sheep

Dream to process my previous nightmares

 

More concerning is the napping

Am I growing another me?

Will I peel the tired and spite

Step out of my skin like a suit

Ten times better and healed

Pink and shiny and new

And definitely  new to me

The opposite of insomnia

Or not quite

Sleeping a reasonable amount

Perhaps a little too much

But given my previous predisposition

To days without sleep, end upon end

From a young age too

Perhaps this is right, for even the brain

Can repair, create pathways new

Given enough time

My body is a miracle for recovery

(yawn) Please excuse me
Copyright 2016 J N Ali

Badass b*tch

  • I was the strongest,  fastest sperm
  • I ate my twin*
  • I survived school bullies
  • and depression
  • and nearly dying
  • ……………………twice
  • and suicidal depression
  • and rape
  • and total breakdown
  • and more

    Practicing gratitude today for my strength, that I’ve overcome so much that’s been put in my path. This sh*t doesn’t define me – but it required me to show my power, and I am grateful to know just how strong I have always been.

    *probably better read as “I survived miscarriage”, but not nearly as snappy.