The hemp experiment (why wait two weeks?)

No adverse effects so far I can speak of.

I’ve left it two weeks because frankly I’ve been ill, I’ve been unwell and I’m pretty certain it’s been due to unemployment.

It’s the most horrifying thing having an illness that is triggered by emotional upset and every second of it feels completely fraudulent because I do have a tendency to belittle my own emotional response to things.

I can’t say whether this would have been better or worse without the CBD but I can tell you that my anxiety levels have been within a tolerable range.

Again, I advise people not to experiment on themselves – I was approaching desperation and despite having the feeling I’m not going to survive into my thirties I like to plan long-term. I don’t want a stroke, I don’t want diabetes, I don’t want an underactive thyroid.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to constructively put forward some ideas for a new Mental Health Taskforce (via Rethink Mental Illness) and I did take a little more than I usually do.

These Rethink days have been challenging recently – the vast amount of impassioned people struggling to get their points accross can often leave me a mess, and I find it so difficult to interact with people.

Not so yesterday, even to the point I felt like a fake being there. It was so easy for me compared to previous events.

I’m going to continue taking CBD because while it hasn’t done anything for my voices, being able to step outside the cage of anxiety I’m so used to is nothing short of a miracle.

I am also going to broach the subject with my psychiatrist this week, so I’ll post the feedback on that too.

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The paranoia monster

image

I’ve had this picture in my head for a year,  it’s what paranoia feels like to me.  It creeps in some days, completely insidious.

Because of the shadow my lips do not look right,  and it’s a mirror image as I drew this self-portrait with a selfie on my phone for reference.

In graphite and charcoal.

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My companion, my monster

Paranoia personified

He is my monster.

He hides behind the curtain I can’t draw anymore by myself. I know if I could open it I’d see there was nothing behind.

Or do I?

I don’t know anymore.

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Zombie

Did it hurt? Not when you fell
When you dragged yourself up from hell

When you clawed your way out
Vocal chords hoarse from underuse
Unable to scream, let alone shout

Unwilling to accept that it was over
Constantly waiting for that shit-storm
To continue, So you created it again
In your mind, that’s where you went

Maybe it’s still brewing overhead
Maybe you’re still underground, dead
And buried, living under the delusion
That hell is something we can escape

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Bottleneck

Space! Space!

                         Glorious Space!
My misery is nothing more
Than a bottleneck of pressure
Pushing down on me(!)
Building higher
Until
I am

Propelled through the bottom
Of another new bottle, ready
Willing and able to start again

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Fringe

You’re a shadow
   Or a blight
       Or a ghoul
           Or a wight
              Or a wraith
                 Or a shade
              Always lurking
           Never saying
        Ever willing
Ever straying

You’re the ghost of people past
You’re the revenant
You’re the last
      Connection to be cut
You keep to the dark
Confusing rejection with eternity

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More fool me

When it’s impossible
Or improbable
That little niggle
That spider sense
That itch I want to scratch
That thread begging to undo

I’m not fooled for a second
But fool me anyway
Because I don’t want to know

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Give me peace

Sleep is difficult, it is
But the worst is no respite
I can live on little dreams enough
But when dreams imitate life
It’s another ice pick chipping away
Another refuge I can’t take
There’s no way out, there’s no escape
I wanted peace, I wanted rest
And what did I get instead?

Constant noise, nowhere to hide
I can’t piece together fragments
To build peace inside
You’ve infiltrated the last fortress
My heart is forfeit, conquered
A mess I can’t clear up, like this room
I’m never leaving.

Neither are you.

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Why am I constantly attracted to narcissists?

Perhaps it’s an aspiration
To push what I feel aside
But empathy is a burden I carry
And pain tells me that I’m alive

So attraction to polar opposite
Or perhaps it’s just more of the same
Just the recognition of another condition
A spectrum of malfunctioned brain

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The hemp experiment (one week on)

What a week.

It’s been hard. I’m very run down, I keep getting the same respiratory infection I’ve had since I kept running through the winter and did some damage to my lungs.

But – on to the CBD! As I mentioned last week, I am taking a cannabinoid extract as a natural, legal alternative to psychiatric medicine.

As I also mentioned, this is a low dose. It is 4% cannabidiol, taken up to thrice daily – just two drops under the tongue.

I have seen no improvement in my voices. If anything they have been louder, and last night I was up until around 6am, although I believe this insomnia is more to do with an unhealthy diet (I blame easter and the drastic amounts of chocolate) and lack of exercise (due to me taking it easy until this infection passes.) I’ve noticed that overall my quality of sleep and ease of getting to sleep is better – one night a week of poor sleep is very good for me.

However, let me talk about anxiety.

Last month I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I thought I was going to die, and even after that passed I sat crying hysterically for an hour or so afterwards.

I have felt mild to medium levels of terror every day since then. Until the CBD oil. The constant voices have made me irritable, so moodswings have been a problem but I am not feeling panicked in the slightest.

The relief this has brought me, I’ve been able to go out to see family, I can think more rationally…..I haven’t felt this calm in years.

I will definitely continue taking this, and will check in after a week again.

Keep well.

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