So I had a little wobble on the weekend, for no particular reason. The psychic network reared it’s ugly head, but I managed to regain control and recognise what was real and what wasn’t, although I did chase voices through windows for a few hours before I came to my senses.
I’m having trouble sleeping and have started taking zopiclone again – anxiety is high, I’m not sure why but as I’ve expressed before I’m feeling a great deal of dissatisfaction with my life.
I’m back from a short visit to my friends, and was surrounded by people (most of the time) and now I just feel so caged and so lonely.
Not just lonely from talk, I can talk to anyone, I live with my mother and my brother….I feel so physically lonely sometimes it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. But I don’t really like one night stands and I like to keep lovers to a comfortable distance….at least a hundred miles away is good enough for me, the physical distance reflects the emotional separation I’d prefer.
Don’t get me wrong, I can connect to anyone but the idea of anything long term or with any progression terrifies me, which leaves me quite uncomfortably alone.
I don’t talk to my closest friends half the time because frankly I don’t want them to see this, and strangers are, well, strange.
I’ve finished my talking therapy, which might have caused some anxiety to reoccur.
One of my doctors was going to prescribe diazepam, but another just tried to put me back on antipsychotics as she’s away. I don’t want to take them, even a low dose of abilify encouraged a little weight gain and I already have days where I look in the mirror and want to vomit at the sight of what I see (I know I am not remotely fat, I just wildly swing between loving and hating my appearance) and the drug they wanted me on is apparently worse for weight gain. I’d rather be crazy. Give me mood swings, give me psychosis, give me insomnia, just don’t give me those extra pounds because I’ve proven I can cope drug-free with the symptoms….with the extra weight however I think I’d probably just throw myself under a bus.
Ugh, work is stressful as well which is not helping.
Maybe I can shake it off this Saturday night….a drink and some hard cardio in the form of 6-8 hours of dancing is probably just what I need.
Why is this so difficult?
I just need a hug.
But I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this. I’ve been doing so well I feel like I can’t.