So I had a little wobble on the weekend, for no particular reason. The psychic network reared it’s ugly head, but I managed to regain control and recognise what was real and what wasn’t, although I did chase voices through windows for a few hours before I came to my senses.
I’m having trouble sleeping and have started taking zopiclone again – anxiety is high, I’m not sure why but as I’ve expressed before I’m feeling a great deal of dissatisfaction with my life.
I’m back from a short visit to my friends, and was surrounded by people (most of the time) and now I just feel so caged and so lonely.
Not just lonely from talk, I can talk to anyone, I live with my mother and my brother….I feel so physically lonely sometimes it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. But I don’t really like one night stands and I like to keep lovers to a comfortable distance….at least a hundred miles away is good enough for me, the physical distance reflects the emotional separation I’d prefer.
Don’t get me wrong, I can connect to anyone but the idea of anything long term or with any progression terrifies me, which leaves me quite uncomfortably alone.
I don’t talk to my closest friends half the time because frankly I don’t want them to see this, and strangers are, well, strange.
I’ve finished my talking therapy, which might have caused some anxiety to reoccur.
One of my doctors was going to prescribe diazepam, but another just tried to put me back on antipsychotics as she’s away. I don’t want to take them, even a low dose of abilify encouraged a little weight gain and I already have days where I look in the mirror and want to vomit at the sight of what I see (I know I am not remotely fat, I just wildly swing between loving and hating my appearance) and the drug they wanted me on is apparently worse for weight gain. I’d rather be crazy. Give me mood swings, give me psychosis, give me insomnia, just don’t give me those extra pounds because I’ve proven I can cope drug-free with the symptoms….with the extra weight however I think I’d probably just throw myself under a bus.
Ugh, work is stressful as well which is not helping.
Maybe I can shake it off this Saturday night….a drink and some hard cardio in the form of 6-8 hours of dancing is probably just what I need.
Why is this so difficult?
I just need a hug.
But I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this. I’ve been doing so well I feel like I can’t.
Hang in there girl ! Whst do you do for work ? Are they sympathetic ? Is it a good structure and focus for you ? Do you receive support from Early Intervention ?
When I read your blog I saw huge insight and understanding … Dont doubt your ability to know what to do to get your needs met . Sounds like sleep is first on your list . Maybe gentle exercise would also be good ….
Have you tried yoga or pilates … Its the breathing and rhythem that calms the soul although you cant beat dancing ya tits off !
Be cool ,
Take care
I don’t do your average 9-5 – I manage a cosmetics counter so there’s less structure than a normal job. I think they’re not particularly aware, well I’m going to meet with my floor manager tomorrow to discuss…I had a word with my area manager and her offering was to move me to a smaller account…which obviously made me feel super-confident….NAWT!
Been thinking about yoga or perhaps tai chi…but I much prefer some cardio, something more intense. Might be worth a shot though.
Thanks for the advice!
come to mexico and i’ll hug you! that guy i told you about over christmas has broken my heart (more than before) and i feel totally destroyed. i know the feeling of being so lonely it physically hurts
and i’m over one night stands too. come here and we can talk about it all whilst being too anxious to sleep haha. why don’t you try the medicine, but exercise more? do cardio and yoga – keep busy and ward off the weight gain. of course, if you really think you’d throw yourself under a bus over weight gain, don’t – you say it’s just a little wobble, and that’s okay, you can get back on track. can you start therapy again?
take care. send me a message any time. i’m pretty far away.
Oh hun…..he was always bad news…well if in April I get my tax rebate I might be able to go and save up…I’ll check how much flights are and see when I can come visit, sounds like we both need some downtime xxxx
yeah…i know…i knew what was going to happen all along, but i’m not sure if that makes it better or worse when it actually happens…hearing i told you so sucks especially when you’re saying it to yourself! sigh. i have this idea of moving to the beach for like a month or so this summer. just hanging out and being calm and not having any stresses. maybe work in a bar or something for some occasional structure. a friend there for a bit would be good