When the moment takes me
I say things the way I wanted to say it
And I relive that pain, in the hope that I’ll gain
That inner peace, that placid calm
And I send you love
And I send you away.

Things I’m thinking

I keep writing. Don’t think for a second I stop writing.

I keep a sketchbook by my bed, it’s filled with poetry and dreams and everything that scares me and drives me. That book is my most vulnerable self.

I just don’t always feel the need to express it here.

But two things.

Today, Nick Clegg (or Cleggy Weggy if you have ever watched Russell Howard) has announced the standardisation of waiting times.


It shows that the Government is taking this seriously – yes it’s a sexy topic and no doubt they’ve been avoiding bothering with mental health as a way to use it as an ace up their sleeves to swing a vote come election time but this feels like the times I’ve attended meetings, round tables, written media pieces, spoken to policy makers and stake-holders, it feels like fruition.

I’m only one woman throwing starfish back into the sea one by one, but if everyone who feels the same, does the same then the people in power will have to give an inch, and then a mile.

So well done to everyone who strives for better mental health care, who speaks out, tweets, writes and rails to make this happen!


Now, on to my second order of business here.

(Bio)Chemistry explains how I hear these voices.

My personal story explains why.

Nothing explains what.


I know psychiatry teaches practitioners to leap on reports of clairvoyance, or of religious zealotry as an indication of an episode. I’m claiming neither of these things.

But I feel a deeper connection to the world around me, and my voices are starting to make more and more sense.

It’s all pretty incredible.

The only thing we really know about this world is that we know nothing. Fact is only the theory we’ve not yet managed to disprove.

I am keeping an open mind.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This world is wrong

This world is wrong.

There’s still beauty in it, there’s still wonder.

But the wrong person can be beautiful.

There’s something unnatural, amoral, fetid

Compelling, bespelling

We’re willingly walking the plank

And swan-diving into a lava pit.

Attention seeking

The mental health community online has a lot to be upset about.  Not only do we as the ‘mentally ill’ face quite often daily stigma in life from the general public, from doctors, from employers, even family and friends there’s been a swathe of stores thinking it’s cool to make fun of mental illness.

Darlings I’m onto you. The whole community is in uproar (and rightly so), everyone loves a scandal and if you’re lucky you might get your name in the papers.

Because what sells faster in today’s marketplace than misbehaving?

These grossly insensitive jibes are the retail marketing equivalent of a celebrity crotch shot, a childish cry for attention with a shot of bad attitude for good measure.

I think it’s now got to the point we need to stop giving these idiots what they want. When a child realises they can get more attention with a hissy fit, what do they start to do?

I suggest we ground them and take away their playstations until they’ve learned their lesson, and stop rewarding cheap marketing ploys to boost sales in a struggling economy.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Quite often, our reactions to the atrocities that happen in the world depend on whether they strike a chord.

If we all looked at the bigger picture, there would be no commerce, country,  race, gender, religion, politics…

But we don’t. We all have agendas, we all resonate with the experiences that shape and put us into context.

That’s where I’m coming from now. My voices told me, clear as day, that ‘Bikram violates people.’

Now, don’t misunderstand me. Bikram, the man, and his 26 series of yoga postures are quite different entities. He has brought something potent, transformative and amazing to the world of yoga.

He has also been accused on several counts of sexual harassment, assault and rape.

I can put that to one side. Those yoga postures help me.

However, ‘bikram’ studios operate under a franchise model, which means they pay money to this man in order to use his name.

I’ve been told the allegations have been dropped. This means nothing. I have to trust my instincts, and they tell me from personal experience and observation of how the world works that people will look the other way if someone sells something they want to buy.

So, as my psychiatrist noted, I’m voting with my feet.

Yoga is good for me, hot yoga in particular gives me a feeling of powerful connection.

But my practice is not worth those women’s suffering.

Is this the end of yoga for me? Absolutely not. I am truly grateful to the studio that helped me discover something wonderful, and it tore me apart to stop going there. But I can go somewhere else. And so I do.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


I didn’t realise it really, but I am very skittish and have been this way for a long time. Sexual attention makes me nervous, and it takes me a while to get used to it from someone before I realise I’m ‘safe’.


Well, because when I was 16 I was followed home by a man who attempted to assault me. (That’s a starting point anyway…)

I remember being alone, and scared and on my own road. Nowhere felt safe.

I still don’t feel safe walking alone, even in a well lit area, even in daytime, let alone at night.

Spiritual awakening

I feel so connected right now.

I feel like I’m making the right choices.

I’m listening to my voices. And I allow them to guide me, warn me, advise me, because whatever they are, they’re a part of me I cannot ignore.

I won’t follow them blindly, and I know that they cannot hurt me.

I’ve started to realise, and really believe that I’m not ill. There are things that western medicine just can’t explain or treat. I can be overwhelmed and unbalanced, but my focus has to be balance. I’m sensitive to the world around me.

Physical exercise makes me feel at home in my body. Meditation makes me feel right in my mind.  They both make me feel like I’m doing right by myself, and giving myself what I deserve, which is love, care and nourishment.

I’m recording this feeling here, because everything seems full of promise.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This is a rant

The key to any successful social interaction is communication.

Whether it’s getting a coffee, a one night stand, a relationship, communication is what stops us fumbling around in the dark. Without communication we’ve got as much accuracy as a piñata party.

It’s what separates us so much from other animals. All the subtleties and nuances of language make our interactions complex, multi-layered, and infinite.

So stop stalking and start talking


There’s a distinct feeling of unease today. That sense of forboding like something bad is going to happen. After the high of yesterday (I got and accepted a job offer, very pleased indeed) I came home and started getting paranoid.

It makes me wonder – would I be better off with meds?

I have this conversation with myself, and my psychiatrist on a fairly regular basis.

My problem with medication is the benefits are often convoluted, distorted and don’t seem to outweigh the cost of the side effects, at least for me. Your brain and body adapts to the medication, meaning, like with most things, you build a tolerance and have to increase the dose.

Also, I really don’t think that medication is targeting the things it needs to target.

I’ve been told many things about medication – the official lines vary from ‘preventative’ to ‘restorative’, but the science just doesn’t seem to add up. Can we coerce the brain into functioning better with the aid of medication? Is it as simple as that? Since the vast majority of people on meds either stay on them, or like myself, can’t bear to take them, how can we tell what really works for psychosis?

All these treatments are relatively new, some untested over the course of a lifetime and all come with an abundance of health problems. Apart from the immediate and common side effects such as weight gain, lethargy, restlessness, shaking, blurred vision it seems we face a plethora of trade-offs on our future physical health. Increased risk of stroke, diabetes, heart disease – even sudden adult death syndrome…

Is monitoring ‘physical’ health enough? We know that physical health is often ignored with mental illness, patients are even dismissed as paranoid when they bring things to their practitioner’s attention.

And what about clinicians – would they take these medications that are often over-prescribed? I know some people who do very well on meds, and some who decide to go med-free, but I sort of see current medication as a false panacea. It gets people stable enough to not need constant attention on an already stretched healthcare system. I think of the revolving door scandal with beds in the NHS that was in the papers a few years back, that is still a problem, and it’s the same thing.

What I’m saying is there must be a better way.

Diet, exercise, lifestyle can only take you so far. The frustration I feel at not being able to spend a moment alone without having to concentrate and push my voices away is palpable. I often try to look at where I see myself in five, ten- fifteen years ahead and the thought is, frankly, depressing. I don’t want to have to struggle everyday.

Maybe that’s just childish railing though. Maybe this is my lot in life, and I have to push that little tantrum to one side and just accept that as much as I can change my life there are things about me that I cannot change. Perhaps it’s because I have the memory of what life was like before – my life was by no means better, but the comparison of not needing to meditate, of being able to go to sleep without being shouted at, of waking up without a voice in my ear.

Some people have it so much harder. But I want better. I think we all do.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Without drugs and and alcohol you are laid bare.

There are no excuses for bad behaviour.
Your confidence has to be high and your conviction has to be strong.

You are naked.

(Just something I thought…)

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 299 other followers