In case this worries…

…this burst of creativity is nothing to worry about. I’m a little frustrated because I’d like some peace and quiet, but I’ve been going to hot yoga or something every day for a few days now, so the aches and pains are just causing my voices to misbehave.

Tagged , , , ,

Shadow

Indecision, seems I’m living
Trapped between a world or three
Suffocate, suffocate
Desecrate, annihilate

Burn to ashes, make a paste
And paint a shadow from the waste

Tagged , , , , ,

Pandemonium

Bright lights and eye-liner
In their eyes she never looked finer
Never seemed better, never looked fitter
Looks can deceive and you might miss her

Inability to string a sentence, for boredom
In reality it’s more than
That, because she’s struggling
To pacify the endless pandemonium

Tagged , , ,

Distraction

Distraction, distraction, constant distraction
An antidote to poems she wrote
And all the voices in my head

Distraction, distraction, constant distraction
Take away the rehashed day
Leave me be
Put me to bed

Tagged , ,

Sleep is my medicine

I feel better.

Well, weak, kitten-y and slightly pathetic. A few pounds lighter, cheeks and chest looking a little hollow but that’ll be fixed in a week or so.

But, period. Yay.

Can you tell my head is hollow?

I could do with another days rest but another day alone is going to drive me mad, so hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work I go…

As far as man is concerned I have the measure of him pretty well. I need to learn to trust my instincts better. But I am so easily distracted by affection.

This, this is hell

It’s insane how quickly you get used to being comfortable.

I had forgotten how bad it could get. The voices, the absolute din…the way paranoia shapes my every thought until I’m here, awake on the sofa at 5am trying to make sense of the world around me.

I have many reasons.

Okay, three, perhaps four. Maybe they are three.

God.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You wear me out

Can’t stop the cruelty.

Take care

There’s a few people I know who are really struggling at the moment with various things in life, so this is for you guys.

I struggle to take basic care of myself. I’m self-destructive when stressed, I like results and I am hopelessly impatient.

So this year so far has been a lesson in self care and I have learned some very important lessons.

Be kind to yourself.

I don’t mean feed the ego. The ego wants shiny things, it’s a magpie that buys into consumerism and the masquerade of self-image. Be kind to yourself. Think of how you would care for your children, whether you have them or not. You’d want them to eat well, to sleep peacefully, to expand their minds, to be safe and happy and loved.
So feed your inner child and be your own parent.

Be patient

Patience is not a virtue I possess.  In fact, any patience I have has to be cultivated. It gets depleted, and I have to replenish it. I have to constantly tell myself to slow down, to wait, that yes – so-and-so is too busy to text back, they don’t hate me.
I also have to be patient with myself. Internal changes do not happen overnight. They are things you work for every day.

Be happy

I was talking to a close friend, and I think the biggest revelation we’ve had is that happiness is not inherent. For most of us, we are happy because we choose to be happy. That means doing things that make us healthy,  keep pushing ourselves to be our personal best and surrounding ourselves with the people we love.

Be aware

Notice your surroundings. Be aware of where you are, and who you are with and what you are doing. Life is full of surprises,  but as someone who really suffers with anxiety, being aware allows me to be more comfortable.

Be mindful

It’s easy to get caught up in your own drama and forget about the people around you. Everybody does it and we do it all the time. Try to have care with people.

Breathe

Breath is life. Get outdoors, breathe the fresh air and breathe deep. It will revitilise you, calm you and invigorate you.

Give yourself permission

Feel whatever it is you need to feel. And let it go. You’re feeling that way for a reason, you need to acknowledge it and use that to drive you forward.

Rest

Rest often and rest well. Vegetating for hours in front of the box might seem appealing but this is not rest. It is lazy and inefficient to rest this way all the time. Meditation, exercise, reading, walking, talking with friends and family are all restful. Rest does not have to be static.

I hope this doesn’t sound too preachy, and these are all things I am trying to put into practise.

Keep well, take care of yourselves.

Moment

When the moment takes me
I say things the way I wanted to say it
And I relive that pain, in the hope that I’ll gain
That inner peace, that placid calm
And I send you love
And I send you away.

Things I’m thinking

I keep writing. Don’t think for a second I stop writing.

I keep a sketchbook by my bed, it’s filled with poetry and dreams and everything that scares me and drives me. That book is my most vulnerable self.

I just don’t always feel the need to express it here.

But two things.

Today, Nick Clegg (or Cleggy Weggy if you have ever watched Russell Howard) has announced the standardisation of waiting times.

Finally.

It shows that the Government is taking this seriously – yes it’s a sexy topic and no doubt they’ve been avoiding bothering with mental health as a way to use it as an ace up their sleeves to swing a vote come election time but this feels like the times I’ve attended meetings, round tables, written media pieces, spoken to policy makers and stake-holders, it feels like fruition.

I’m only one woman throwing starfish back into the sea one by one, but if everyone who feels the same, does the same then the people in power will have to give an inch, and then a mile.

So well done to everyone who strives for better mental health care, who speaks out, tweets, writes and rails to make this happen!

 

Now, on to my second order of business here.

(Bio)Chemistry explains how I hear these voices.

My personal story explains why.

Nothing explains what.

 

I know psychiatry teaches practitioners to leap on reports of clairvoyance, or of religious zealotry as an indication of an episode. I’m claiming neither of these things.

But I feel a deeper connection to the world around me, and my voices are starting to make more and more sense.

It’s all pretty incredible.

The only thing we really know about this world is that we know nothing. Fact is only the theory we’ve not yet managed to disprove.

I am keeping an open mind.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 306 other followers